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Current Mood: listless

SNOW DAY SNOW DAY LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

 

Current Mood: bouncy

so. first day. it went all right. i spend most
of the day in a daze. i dont know what my deal
is. as always, i was very happy to see my future
husband and my future child caretaker. =)
american lit should be cool. suzanne is awesome
and her hair is super cute now and im jealous.
advanced fiction should also be cool. much different
setup than normal fiction. hopefully i can get some
stuff done? but i'm a little scared in that i haven't written
anything fictionwise really since last year. so.. yeah.

i'm dropping swing dancing. i'm sorry, but fuck that shit.
staying at school until 5 is just too much for me. i'm exhausted
and cranky and traffic is terrible by the time i get out.
me and tristan walked in there and were like..oh hell no.
haha. it was basically show choir all over again. except
we had to keep switching partners. fuck that! the only reason
i was going to take it was to dance with tristanito.

tomorrow i have intro to nonfiction. i am also scared.
but juliana and stephanie will be in that class so i'm
excited about that.

i have the most terrible headache in the world. i need
to start eating more when i'm at school.

i dont think any of this made sense.

bloopydoop!

Current Mood: hungry

first day. one class, queer theory with suzanne.
my first 300 level class. i'm really scared.
especially since my brain has probably decomposed
quite a bit over the summer. the reading is hard
to understand, but i know it's going to be
a great class. a lot about identity. and that's
just what i need.

then i sat on my usual bench for forty minutes
then went to work. i only worked two hours
then they asked if i wanted to leave. so i did.

i can't wait for tomorrow. class with dr hermsen
again and i get to see alec and tyler! huzzah.
and the best part.. IM OFF TOMORROW YAY.

watching britney spears crash and burn last
night was the saddest thing i've ever seen i think.

Current Mood: annoyed

all i have to say about the lost
season finale is.. holy fucking shit.

that is why lost is the greatest show
on television. it made up for all of
this season's shortcomings.

now i have to wait nine freaking months.
UGH.

i'm sick.
i thought i was getting better.
and then last night it got
a bazillion times worse.
before it was just a cough.
now the cough has gotten worse.
and my nose is stuffed all to hell.
i really wish i could cough all this
crap up but my body just isn't cooperating.

tomorrow i have to go to school though.
i need to pick up my lovely $2510 check.
and try to get through screenwriting.
i haven't done any of the stuff we were
supposed to do. i've been too out of it.

i'm getting a new scholarship. i got a letter,
well, my mom did, inviting her to the honors
convocation thing and i'll be awarded a new
scholarship. the pat mizer cassady memorial
scholarship. i have no idea what it's for, or
how much it is. but it's still pretty awesome.

i dont know if i'll be able to go
to the thing. just like i dont know if i'll
be able to attend the quiz and quill writing
awards, where i'm winning something. i just
dont have time after school to do these sorts
of things, which sucks. gas is also an issue.

here's hoping i feel better by saturday
night. i really dont want to have two
shitty weekends in a row.

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: grey's finale

gas prices seriously make me want to shoot
myself. found out late last night screenwriting
was cancelled, so i decided to just skip film.
to save gas. how sad is that. i am actually
really worried that it will go up to four dollars.
because if that is the case, then i'm kind of screwed.
just another crappy thing about being a commuter.

see, my mom helps out with gas
because it's to school and back.
anywhere else, i pay for it. and
now that it's getting so high, that
is causing problems. i have a $70 check
from the insurance company that's going
into my tank. i just keep hoping it will
go down.

the big english retreat thing was today.
kind of wish i went, but i ended up getting
a lot done at home. FINALLY got my oil
changed, got some rest, hung out
with rick, caught up on a little
bit of work, only to have a thousand more
assignments fall on me.

i just really want this quarter to be over.
i'm sick of it. tuesdays and thursdays are
really the only days i like. i'm not a screenwriter
whatsover.. so i spend that class in what feels
like a haze. and film.. yeah.. i just can't get
into it. dr eisenstein is really cool though.
i just can't get into it. i spend the class looking
at the clock every other second counting down until
i get to go home. the only good parts about mondays weds
and fridays is that i see my friends. but as
far as actual learning goes.. my brain is in
hibernation. dr joshi is amazing though. i like
his lectures. i just hate the actual work.
because i have absolute zero passion for it.
and will probably work on turning my "screenplay"
into some short stories this summer.

speaking of which, i don't even know how my
god forsaken movie starts.. and i need to
have the first five pages completed. ugh.

i need a job.

Current Mood: cynical

my weekend has been pretty good.
we'll just forget the part where
i have yet to do my screenwriting
assignment.. as i have no fucking
idea as to what i'm going to write.

friday i skipped film to spend time
with tiffany..who has been hurting
and i don't like when my friends are
sad. so we went and saw blades of glory,
which fucking rocked, and i bought a cute
little dress.

saturday me, rick, and miguel went and
saw aqua teen hunger force, which was
fucking awesome as well. then we went
to hounddogs and i got my first drink
in a bar. long island iced tea. yum.
and hounddogs pizza is the best.

and shortly miguel and i are going
to be getting a burrito, and then are
going to see grindhouse.

chipotle lovers, buy a burrito today,
you get a free one tomorrow. score.

here's hoping i can figure out what to
write about. i pretty much spent three hours
this morning laying in bed thinking about it..
and i'm still left with nothing. ugh.

Current Music: animal house on tv

so i entered the ecc contest waaay back at the beginning
of last quarter. i got an email this afternoon announcing
the winners. i was not one of them (didn't expect to be)
but i was announced as an honorable mention. and i will
still be published along with all of the winners.

this is pretty sweet. but part of me wishes i wasn't
chosen because the draft i entered is very rough, and so
much crap was cut out of it in order to make the word limit.
but i guess the fact that they still chose it says something.
that my utter crap is considered good. haha. but anyway, the
story as it stands now, after two revisions, is amazingly better.
and i wish that could have been published instead. buuut holy hell
it goes over the word limit.

talk about never being happy about anything. i am impossible.
but in all seriousness, i am stoked at the fact that i am
being published. for the first time ever. well, except for that
haiku in 6th grade but that doesn't count.

Current Mood: bouncy

i really. really. want my lip pierced.
aj is getting snakebites tomorrow and
told me i should get my lip pierced.
i really want to. but too bad my boyfriend
thinks i'd look terrible. and wouldn't want
to kiss me.

i'm still going to do it. just
not tomorrow. because i think i'd look
damn good.

spring break was wonderful. i'll update
more later.

just got home from THE most amazing concert
i have ever been to in my entire life.

and here's the shirt i made last night.
excuse the cracked out face, i just took
this and i am still giddy and can't believe
i just saw brandnew and am going to see
them again sunday.



oh my fucking god. 

jesse lacey is my hero.

Current Mood: ecstatic

twenty four hours.
twenty four fucking hours
and then i will see brand new.
debbi sent me a picture from the front
of the newport and on the marqee it says
BRAND NEW: SOLD OUT. it makes me so happy.
because i am going to be there. 


i finished all of heroes, so now i'm all caught
up. i adore that show. that is all. it pretty much
owns my soul. *sigh* like i really needed
something else to. haha. 

ugh this has been a week of nothing but extreeeeme
laziness. i have been stayiing up until five, sleeping until
one. next week this will end. i promise. 

i'm gonna stencil a t-shirt today i think. i have
like three plain black t-shirts. soo i'm gonna make
a brandnew shirt. hurray. i'll post pics when i'm done.
stenciling makes me happy.

Current Mood: ecstatic

finally got around to watching heroes. i had watched
the first two episodes when they premiered, and really
liked them but then always forgot to watch it.
so thanks to lovely torrents, i'm getting cvaught up.
i'm up to episode 12 now. while i can't help but
compare it to x-men, powerwise, i really
enjoy it, and love the characters. i'm pretty much in
love with peter. haha. and hiro = love. 

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: heroes - episode 12

1. Can you cook?

2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

3. What talent do you wish you had?

4. Favorite place?

5. Favorite vegetable?

6. What was the last book you read?

7. Are you Dirty or Clean?

8. Any tattoos and/or piercings?

9. Worst habit?


HERE COMES THE FUN ...

1. How did we meet?

2. What's your philosophy on life?

3. Negative or Optimistic?

4. What was your dream growing up?

5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

6. What was your first impression of me?

7. Tell me one weird fact about you:

8. What’s your favorite memory of us?

9 is missing. Make up something if you want.

10. Have you ever kept anything from me?

11. What do you think of me as a person?

12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?

13. Would you cry for me if I died?

14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

16. How do you fall asleep?

17. Ever gotten angry with me?

18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?

19. If you had one day to live, what would you do?

20. A million bucks… what would you do with it?

21. What is your worst fear?

22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

23. Can you sing or dance?

24. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest....

25. Will you repost this so I can fill it out?

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: top model on vh1

i've been sitting here forever trying to figure out
which of my two stories to send for possible
publication.

the one place i really want to try for, glimmertrain,
isn't accepting open submissions until april. they
are doing contest entries now.. and i dont know.
i really don't feel like entering that. for open
submission, if you are published, you get
$700, which is cool. so i'm going to do that
when april rolls around. plus submitting
stuff to contests costs money that i do not
have to spend.

the place i'm going to send a story to now is
mid-american review by bowling green. i just don't
know what story. i dont know which one is stronger,
because the strongest one will be going to glimmertrain.

i really do love them both. i think 11:11 is a little more
unique and different than ghost. but ghost might possibly
be a little stronger. ghost was well recieved by a lot of
people, 11:11..as you can see from a previous post, some
people jut don't "get it". 

i dont know. either or. i'll just send one, and then
send the other to glimmertrain, and if the one i send to
mid-american review gets rejected, then i'll send it
to glimmertrain too.

i'm terrible. i'm mostly doing this on the off chance
that i would win some money. because i am broke.
i'm such a whore. haha. 




okay. i will figure this out this weekend. i gotta
completely overhaul 11:11.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: what i want - daughtry

so monday afternoon i got a call about a job.
they made it seem like the job was mine,
and i was supposed to have an interview
with them tomorrow morning.

well, about an hour after i get home on
monday, they call back and tell me
they found someone with more experience
and who isn't a college student, therefore
has "more flexibility". 

ugh. sometimes i feel like i'm never
going to find a freaking job.

but this icon of willow makes me so happy
inside. flippy hair willow is adorable. <3 


i was going to go to the black pearl poetry
thing tonight.. but was just so tired and crampy
and achy. i decided to stay in my pjs and lounge
on the couch and continue not to do any of the
monstrous pile of work that needs to be done.

at least i'm off tomorrow.

Current Mood: contemplative

got my new laptop yesterday.
it's gorgeous. and huge. a 17
inch screen behemoth. it will eat
your soul.

and windows vista is SO pretty.

and i can finally play the sims 2.
after having the game for three friggin
years.. i can finally play and have no
life. <3 

my grammy is in the hospital.
she is the one person in my family
i am actually close to. she's going
to be having major surgery. i just keep
worrying, keep freaking out.

school was so hard to get through.
and i was not in the mindset at all
to get through a critique. 

i just felt torn apart, and i know that's not
the case. i'm just feel incredibly fragile. and
i hate this feeling. i hate feeling weak.
so after class i just sat in my car and cried for a moment.
i dont know what i'm going to do if she's not okay.
if she won't be okay. 

i didn't feel like explaining anything to anyone.
you either get it or you don't.  either you know
what it's like to have your mother never be home,
have terrible things happen to friends and have no
one to turn to, have your best friend disappear into
thin air.. or you don't. because it happens. believe
me, it happens.

and then reading over my critique papers.. there was
one in particular that really, really made me angry.
there was very little respect for a style different
than their own, and calling pieces of my story
"tacky", is fucking uncalled for. there are much
more productive words that could be used.
and i probably sound stupid, but i dont care.


but then reading gorman's response..
he said the story is publishable, which
is a nice validation. it's nice to know some
people get it. i have a lot of revision to
do. but stuff i knew i was going to have to
fix in the first place. and i'm just going to throw
all that other crap out the window.

i probably sound ridiculous, because i never do
this. i never take critiques personally. if this
was two days ago it wouldn't matter.  i'm just
such a mess. and i'm tired of feeling so
alone all the time. i'm tired of standing
there with the smile on my face feeling
so terrible inside, but i have to keep smiling
because.

this was just not the day for this.



i prayed today.
i never pray. because i don't
really think god is in control
of anything. but i'm grasping at
straws, desperate. i am so fucking
disconnected from everything and i don't
want that one person.. i dont want her to leave.

Current Mood: crushed

my fiction class is really freaking me out.
i just really get the feeling that dr gorman
is not going to like my style of writing at all.
i really do. i dont do the typical straightforward
kind of stuff.. i blend poetry and fiction with little
regard to punctuation and my stuff feels more like
a stream of consciousness a lot of the time. but that's
the kind of stuff i like, that is interesting to me. i went
through two quarters of dr hermsen absolutely being
in love with my style and him saying it was new and raw
and just all that. and now i'm in this class and i don't feel
like i'm going to fit. 

and it seems that he is putting a lot of emphasis on length.
i got my first assignment back and he said it was too long.
i have never had any assignment be called "too long". i dont know,
it bummed me out and made me freak out more. and we have this
huge character exercise due friday and there is a word limit and that
just freaks me out. and i just want to get my first story done so i can
just know whether he likes my style or not. it's the not knowing
that's hard. but i dont know.. its like a gut feeling that he won't like it.
not that it matters.. but.. ugh. i just feel inadequate and that i'm not
a storyteller. i'm really not. i'm not that creative. i just write truth, and
what i feel, and what someone in a situation would feel. i rip open my
scars and throw what's inside on the page. i dont know the sun. i can't
be the sun. i'm the moon. and there's nothing wrong with me. but i'm the darkness.
 i cant think of good conflicts to save my life. i can't think of interesting situations.
i know emotion. i know that life isn't simple, and life isn't pretty. and that
beauty is found in the darkness for me. i know that rules are stupid, and
i bend them frequently in my words. and i just feel that there isn't a place
for that in this class. 

i dont know. i just wish there was a little more freedom.

i just dont know. 

our first story is going to be due in a few weeks, and i'm just scared
i am going to crash and burn. i feel like i need something bad to happen
to me so i have some sort of fire, some sort of energy to get through it.
some fuel. something. 

ugh i hate this not knowing shit. 

what nourishes me destroys me.

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: boulevard of broken dreams - green day

this is so me it's ridiculous. this quiz was awesome.



i'got my car last night, i am in love with it.
went to rick's last night and stayed
over for the first time in a bazillion years.
it was really fun, we stayed up talking
about all kinds of random stuff.

a reason why he is amazing: we were
watching law and order svu, and bob saget
was on it, so we were talking about bob
saget.. and i told him i had a stencil of him..
and rick is now going to make a bob saget
hoodie. hahaha. greatest thing ever. 

AND we're gonna make legends of the
hiddent temple shirts, because i have the
stencils for those too. mwahahahahha. 

great turkey day.
first time my dad wasn't a complete
dick. but apparently he's going to be
moving out of state, and i really, really
don't know how i feel about that. it kind
of makes me want to cry.

being in my old house again was just weird.
there are so many memories there. all of the
last time i had an unbroken family. and then i
had to sleep in my brother's old room and it was
just so empty.. and i remember he and i sleeping
in his bunkbeds christmas eve, taking every pillow
and every blanket in the house and piling them up
and making the "comfymaster 5000". it puts an ache
in my throat, it makes me feel sick to know that all
of that is really gone. once my dad sells the house
that's it, all of it is really, really gone.

anyway.. i had a fun time. played football for the
first time in years. haha. it's nice seeing family.
and then i came home and tristan and tiffany came
over. we went on an epic search for food and when
we came back, they were sitting on the couch and
pretty much made the decision that they are back
together and i did a little dance inside. haha.
i love those two, and i love those two together.
i was always rooting for them, even if no one
else was. go tristanito and tiff!!! haha, i'm lame.

the new brand new cd = amaaaazing. i went and bought
it right after i finished my final on tuesday. i put
it on my mp3 player and put headphones on and just..
was absolutely blown away.

i miss rick terribly right now.
seeing tiff and tristan together made
me really really want him here. 

YAY FOR NO SCHOOL UNTIL JANUARY. 



jesus christ, that's a pretty face
the kind you'd find on someone i could save
if they don't put me away
well, it'll be a miracle
do you believe you're missing out
that everything good is happeneing somewhere else
but with nobody in your bed
the night's hard to get through

and i will die all alone
and when i arrive i won't know anyone

well jesus christ, i'm alone again
so what did you do those three days you were dead
cuz this problems gonna last more than the weekend
well jesus christ, i'm not scared to die
i'm a little bit scared of what comes after
do i get the gold chariot
do i float through the ceiling

do i divide and fall apart
cuz my pride is too slight to hold back all my dark
and the ship went down in sight of land
and at the gates does thomas ask to see my hands

i know you'll come in the night like a thief
but i've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me
i know you think that i'm someone you can trust
but i'm scared i'll get scared
and i swear i'll try to nail you back up

so do you think that we could work out a sign
i'll know its you and that it's over so i won't even try

i know you'll come for people like me
but we all got wood and nails
tongue tied to a hating factory
but we all got wood and nails
your tortured in a hating factory
yeah, we all got wood and nails
your tortured in a hating factory
yeah, we all got wood and nails
and we sleep inside this machine

Tags: childhood, happy, lyrics
Current Mood: giggly
Current Music: family guy

my car is dead. forever.
r.i.p roxy. i barely knew ye.

i officially have the worst
luck with cars in the universe.

but at least i voted today.

Current Mood: distressed

i got some amazing sleep last night..
a good ten hours, which never happens
and my cold is pretty much gone.
aleve sinus and headache is the best
medicine in the world.

so i am going to sit myself down and
do the first of the two papers for
suzanne's class, i will do the second
at the end of the week. and after i do
my paper, i am going to sit myself down
and crank out some poetry. it will probably
be crappy, but it will be done, and i can
always go back and revise it.

i'm going to apply at petsmart today.
i would love to work at a pet store,
i probably won't get the job. but at least
i'm applying and that will make my mom happy.

ff12 tomorrow huzzah!!!!!

Current Mood: refreshed
Current Music: E.R. on tv

final fantasy 12 comes out tuesday.
i am so excited. yaaay. tristan and
i are going to go get it after school
that day. i probably won't play it till
the end of the week, but i am still very happy.
especially because it has got aaaamaaaazing reviews.

beat kingdom hearts 2 a couple weeks ago.
the ending was so cute. it made me really
happy.

now i'm going to go watch the celebrity
paranormal project. love love love this show.
yeah, i'm lame.

someone do my homework for me.

and someone make my cold go away.

Current Mood: stuffy

had a very eventful week.
cut ties, but am doing much better for it.
i dont really want to get into it, because it's not
important anymore

went out and got rick's birthday presents today.
i got him a hoodie, a bag of almond joy (like always)
and am giving him $50 for a massage at penzones.
that's what he said he wanted, like a professional massage
for his poor back, and they do amazing work there, so i'm sure
it will be the best thing ever. the card i got him makes me happy.
i got one of those cards from hallmark that play music, this one
plays "ring of fire" by johnny cash. i want a bazillion of these
cards for my birthday. they are seriously the best thing ever. 

i feel pretty cruddy because i haven't started my poetry project.
my brain picks now of all times to crap out on me and not want
to write. i'm basically telling a modern version of the myth of
orpheus and eurydice. i think it would be more effective as fiction..
but hey.. it's a challenge. and i know it's been done before, but i dont
care. i want to do it, dammit. but yeah.. haven't started it yet. will do
sunday night. 

tonight is going to be awesome. miguel, debbi, tristan, rick, and
tiff are coming over and we're gonna watch "scary movies". i got
exorcism of emily rose
dawn of the dead
saw
shawn of the dead (best movie EVER)
28 days later

i also went out today and bought popcorn, mini take 5's and
peanut butter m&m's so i am going to pig out like a fiend.
yay for halloween movie watching parties. 

almost done with the quarter, hurray.
although winter is when i start fiction.. which
scares me, because now i feel like that is my weak
point and poetry is my strong point.. because i have done
*so* well with the poetry. and i won't have dr hermsen anymore
and that makes me sad, because he is definately a fan of my
work and it makes me feel really good about myself. i definately
have a weird style when it comes to writing fiction, but i like it,
and i feel that's all that matters. soooo... hopefully it will be okay. 

i have thirty dollars in change, that is awesome.
i am getting a sore throat, which is not so awesome.

i am so excited for tonight!!!! 

the end.

Current Mood: bouncy